Some of the ugliest fights I have ever witnessed between partners in a committed relationship stem from disputes over recall. To have one’s memory challenged is a call to arms. We all like to believe in the order and coherency of our brain’s function of recollection. When our partner suggests our recall is faulty it is an affront to our sense of reality. Naturally we are going to push back hard. Recently, Marcia, my partner,
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There’s no way around this one. You cannot avoid being criticized. Embedded in the fiber of human relationship is the impulse to criticize each other. It is as if there is this egocentric epicenter within each one where we imagine that others should conform to our sense of how they ought to be. Most of our own criticisms of others and theirs of us fly under the radar. Unspoken and unnoticed, by present nonetheless. It
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Are “Microaggressions” a Thing?   For those of you who practice relationship therapy, you are well aware of the indignities partners can foist on one another, even in the context of a session. All of us have been around couples in social situations where the animosity is palpable. On such occasions we feel like we are in a “tension convention.” It seems that the committed relationship is fertile ground for bringing out both the best
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It’s hard to go a few days without reading something about the power of forgiveness. Indeed, it has become a spiritual axiom that forgiveness is the key to inner peace. This strikes me as odd, because I see forgiveness as the understudy to remorse. Unless we are open to the examination of our own transgressions first, we are asking the cart to draw the horse. To put it more bluntly, unless we are willing to
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We humans put a lot of energy into making it seem that we have our act together a lot more than we actually do. We hide what we believe is unacceptable. We believe we are alone in our particular problem. Nowhere is this more evident than what goes on between two people in a relationship. Brian and I  tell couples that we work with that our struggles are often similar to theirs.  We remind them
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