Why Committed Relationships Are Hard Work

But fast forward 5 years, and life and love may begin to look very different. Eros (that early rush of hormones) has waned. We may find ourselves ill-equipped to deal with the complexities of a shared life with this individual who operates so differently that we do. Each of us has had to learn to navigate our unique circumstances in our own way. These often clash with how our partner negotiates life. Our differences, which, in the beginning were attractive and intriguing gradually become annoying. We can easily lapse into judgments of each other and a desire to change our partner into our version of how they should be.

On top of this, the primary substance of intimate relationships is our emotions. Marcia and I say that “emotions are the language of relationships.” Since most of us have been poorly schooled in emotional literacy, we can easily get tangled up in expressing our feelings.  Even though some of us may have greater access to our feeling states, nearly everyone is lacking in the ability to express some particular emotion. 

We all have the capacity to become more emotionally fluent, but most of us don’t have a clue about how to identify or express what we are feeling. We rely too much on our thinking (cognitive) brains and too little on the signals our bodies send us in the form of sensations, feeling states, and intuitions. In other words we depend far too much on judging, analyzing, suggesting, and interpreting. Real connection doesn’t happen in that way. We seems to be far less adept at knowing how to listen to what our bodies are telling us. 

Sadness, fear, hurt, desire, need, remorse, and gratitude are not thoughts in our heads. They are fully felt, lived experiences that emanate from heart, gut, skin, genitals, and the rest of our physical makeup. Relationships are hard, in part, because we have forgotten to tap into the wisdom of our entire being. 

Finally, most of us are not very good at dealing with conflict. It may be true that your relationship has its fair share of fighting, but that doesn’t mean that either of you knows how to get through a conflict and learn something from it. The function of conflict is to grow. But most of us try to avoid it at all costs. When we do, we  bury our differences and then they emerge in some strange and confusing way. When we do get into a fight it usually runs its predictable course - criticize, defend, attack, justify and double down. Rarely do we get below the first layer of blame and criticism to discover what is happening to us underneath.

So we may be critical of our partner, but unaware of our hurt, fear, or need. A productive conflict will take us to the emotions that reside behind the blame-and-defend cycle. We are often apt to tell ourselves or our partner to “get over it.” But the real trick is to “get under it.”

For our relationships to become “exceptional” we need to discover how to embrace the differences that each person brings to the table. We also need to learn to cultivate our ability to identify and express our feelings. What’s more, developing the fortitude to enter a conflict and hang in there long enough to discover our more vulnerable emotions including the humility to acknowledge that we have hurt our partner, is fundamental to intimacy. 

Relationships are indeed hard. But they also possess the potential for profound love, genuine happiness and the kind of support each of us needs to become what we are capable of. Marcia and I call our approach to working with couples Exceptional Relationship Mentoring. It emphasizes the development of our innate capacities for becoming more authentic, heart-centered, powerful and humble. We believe that many of the skills necessary for having an exceptional relationship can be learned through an online format. Thus we are launching our latest endeavor “Going All The Way.” This is an educational series of lessons on a variety of topics including: Emotional Fluency, Mastering Conflict, Listening to Criticism, Exceptional Sex, Overcoming Your Control Patterns, and more. 

These lessons are designed for people who may feel stuck or simply want to have a more fulfilling relationship. For more information, click on For Couples to access the FREE introductory class.